Thursday, January 21, 2010

Making the approach

I can see it now. There. Below the clouds. I'm about to land in an exciting and strange new place.

My Thirty's

In 77 days I will be out of my twenties and into my thirties. Since the average life expectancy is almost eighty, I will save thinking of myself as middle aged for when I turn forty.

I have no regrets about my 20's. Sure I made mistakes and did foolish things, but I also learned a lot about myself by doing those foolish things. And boy did I have fun! I loved and laughed and met some pretty amazing people along the way. I have always been one of those people that believes in fate. And I truly believe that every step takes you exactly where you are supposed to be in this life.

I can't say for sure that I am apprehensive or scared of turning thirty, but I do feel a little pressure to grow up and get serious about my future. Why thirty? It's not as if society says you must figure out your life plan by the ripe old age of thirty. But there is something about approaching this new decade of my life that is suddenly making me think about where I am and where I should be.

For the most part I am happy where I am. I love my family and friends, and I am pretty secure with who I am.
Except for one area of my career. Or lack there of.

I never finished college because I never figured out what I wanted to do with my life. There are some people that know, even when they are children, what they want to be when they grow up. Not me. I have at one time or another wanted to try a multitude of jobs and careers. My freshmen year of college I changed majors 3 times. This is my biggest problem...I get a big idea about something, I immerse myself in it, and then I forget about it and move on to something else. Case in point-check out the timing of my last post. DECEMBER! I thought it would be cool to become a blogger. I set it up, spent all night writing and then didn't post again for almost 2 months.

Do I have a dream job? I don't know. One thing I have always wanted to do is write a book. But about what? And who would read it? I figure maybe someday it will come to me. Until then I have a constant narrative that runs thru my head.

I am looking at my thirties as a time to find myself. Being a mother and a wife is important to me and my number one priority, but I am a creative person and I need to find an outlet for that. I like to make people laugh, and I want to make a name for myself. I want to work hard so my family is proud of me. So I guess in a sense my dream job would be one that lets me nurture my family and my soul...not I just have to figure out how to make that work.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Every story has a beginning....

And here is mine.

There are 2 types of women that get married. Those that want to start a family RIGHTTHISSECOND and those who prefer to put it off for a bit.

I fall into the latter half of these ladies...

So in September of 2005, when I married the man of my dreams, we were both content to wait a bit before diving into the proverbial kiddie pool. That's not to say that kids were out of the question, but we were in no hurry to, as they say, pull the goalie!

We spent 3 blissful years enjoying each other and the freedom that comes with not having a family. We traveled, stayed out late, and did what we want, when we wanted to.

Drink all problem
Take a mid-day nap...don't mind if I do
Aside from work life was ours to enjoy

But then one day, we realized that as much fun as this freedom was, we were missing something. I began to look at my friends with kids and yearned for what they had. I had daydreams about Kevin and I watching our kids baseball games, taking family vacations, and seeing them squeal with delight on Christmas morning. It was time.

You always think that once you decide to start a family it will happen right away. For us it did not. And though I played it off as no big deal, inside I was filled with worry. Is something wrong with me? With him? With both of us?
We told friends and family that we weren't really "trying to get pregnant" we just weren't "not trying to get pregnant", but truthfully each month that passed without a positive pregnancy test become more and more disappointing.

Finally in January we got the news we had been waiting for. I was so excited that I had no sooner peed on the stick, then I had told everyone and anyone the exciting news! In an instant I began dreaming of the family we were going to start. Little did I know the HUGE curve ball life was about to throw at me.

The day of my first doctors appointment I miscarried.

I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I felt defeated and small. I wondered if the family I dreamed was just that...a dream. Despite my sadness and disappointment, I got back on the horse-or should I say my husband- and before I knew it I was pregnant again!

A miscarriage changes you. In a way I felt cheated out of the blissful ignorance of many newly pregnant ladies. I went thru every day wondering if something was wrong, if this baby would also be taken away. It's not the greatest feeling, but it does give you a new appreciation for life. I didn't take a single moment of my pregnancy for granted. Even as I dry heaved thru my first trimester, I reveled in my nausea because it meant that the life inside me was growing strong.

On November 9th, 2009 after 4 hours of intense pushing ending in a c-section (I'll save all the juicy details for another day) the family that I dreamed of began. Jackson Robert was born and my life changed forever.

So here I am! Sometimes I am sappy, sometimes I am funny, and I always over share! I hope you'll join me on my journey into mommy-hood. I promise it will be an adventure!!